STATE OF EMERGENCY POST: NIGERIAN TERRORIST SIGHTING!!!!!

STATE OF EMERGENCY POST: NIGERIAN TERRORIST SIGHTING!!!!!

My dear American friends,

I know how this looks and i promise you that I have a perfect explanation for it. You know how that Fort Hood shooter is an A-Rab despite being a passport carrying American citizen in the Army?

It's totally the same thing here. You were never going to accuse yourselves of being terrorists. I mean, it like totally defeats the purpose. Y'getme?

One of them A-Rabs just happens to have a Nigerian passport. It's no big deal. We give teh gheys, Jews and even Azns passports. We are nice like that. I implore you to join us in our fight against this tyranny. You don't need to send troops to our country because we got this. You can play your little part by not strip searching us at airports.

Also, you should share some of the blame. You elected an A-Rab as president. Hussein might have planned this shit from Hawaii. You know how sneaky them A-Rabs are.

Kthxbai

PS: You know Nigerians are selifish bastards. There's no way a Nigerian would kill himself for a greater cause. We aren't built like that.

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Is that side boob I see?

Is that side boob I see?

Did I seriously put up the last post here?

Sugabelly and Melloyel are definitely slacking, on the realz.

Anyway, I have decided to take time out of my highly important normal life to put up a post here. Normally, I wouldn’t be doing this shit. I’d probably be busy banging hot chicks, checking out my fucking awesome fantasy team, being awesome, and finding the cure for AIDS, k’nahmean?

Did you know you could put a comma before “and” when listing shit? Like seriously, how come my English teachers never told me that. Mr. Chukwudifu, wherever you are, you fail for not telling about this linguistic wizardry.

Wait, where was I?

I need to start taking some ADD medication because I keep going off topic. Like WTF?

Oh yeah…I remember now. I was talking about how you people need to be happy that your royal awesomeness took time out of his busy schedule to put up a blog post. Considering that fact that Obama’s Nobel peace prize fuckery (you better not get me started on that shit) didn’t bring me out of hiding, you best believe that my topic must be of great importance.

Remember when I complained about not having enough Nigerian tittays on the interweb? Well, shit’s changed since then. Sugbelly put me onto this breakthrough,



Did you see it?

Sideboob, motherfucker!!

That was sideboob!!!

On a side note, that movie seems creepy (Ed note- I watched it on mute so I have no clue wtf is going on). Leaking bloody vaginas? Ain't none of these bitches ever heard of a tampon? SMH!!!


Nigeria is making progress though. We have sure come a long way from dry humping. There’s even a scene with a threesome, can you imagine that shit? It might be arousing but we’ll get there. They just need to realize that storylines are not required for pornos and maybe get some hotter wimmenz. They could get some of those girls you find at owambe parties in England. Wait…you don’t know what an owambe jand party is? Do you live under a rock? Don’t you know the parties with the pictures on facebook and stupid ass names like “exclusive” and “eclipse”? Shit, and I thought I was behind the curve.

BTW, during the threesome bit, was the other girl giving the dude's elbow some head?
iConfuse

UPDATE: Apparently, the movie is Ghanaian. :( So much for progress...I guess we have to wait a bit for Nigerian smut.

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You kidnapped a famous actor, now what?

You kidnapped a famous actor, now what?

Well, you ask for 10 million. Naira of course, we are trying to be reasonable here.

Am I wrong for thinking the kidnappers set their price too low?

Last time I checked, 10 mill couldn't buy you a Hummer and you know how high the Hummer pedestal is. Nothing says you hit the jackpot like buying that ugly gas guzzling piece of crap. I wonder what will happen when GM stops production.

What was I talking about again? Oh yeah...kidnappings. Nigeria is like the new Mexico. It's funny how it went from "we are kidnapping there oyibos for a just cause" to "I'm broke so I'm going to jack the next person I see off the street".

I wonder if there'll be some "Man On Fire" type movie set in the country. I can just imagine it now...



Ahh...just perfect.

I'm going to sue if there's a Nollywood movie with this storyline because you know this was all my idea.

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What was that about tipping again?

What was that about tipping again?

In honor of my first post on this blog...

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Nude Nigerian wimmenz on da interwebz...

Nude Nigerian wimmenz on da interwebz...

...and they aren't hot.

So I log on to facebook today and I see the following status update from a friend of mine:

Ekiti women are now protesting half-naked....Nigerians really want true democracy. Thats like Igbo women riot of 1929 aganist colonialists....hmmmmm almost 100years after.... WOW!

In true Nosa fashion, I respond:

This status update is worthless without pictures.

I joke

She actualy responds and proceeds to direct me to Lina Ikeji's blog. [Side note: Blogging at work is a bad idea]

So I'm at Linda's blog and I check the picture out.




Gross!!!!


The one time I get to see nude Nigerian women on the internets, they just happen to be old women. And they are not like MILF status women. WTF!!!

Look at that coddamn picture!

All the wimmenz with boobies worth seeing are fully clothed while the wimmenz hat should be clothed are nude. Why does Nigeria have to be backward with this shit everytime?

Anyhow, I figure I might as well find out the story behind this bullshit.


Well, the women are apparently protesting some rigged election. I thought this was news. Aren't all Nigerian elections rigged anyway? Non-violent protests don't solve jack squat, but that's just my personal opinion.

So, after I checked out the backstory, I decided to take a look at the comments. Trust me when I say this, comments on blogs are probably the funniest and unbelievable shit you'll ever read. It's like every village idiot suddenly found the internet and decided not to let it go. Speaking of which, I'm starting my own movement, kinda like QAN. But instead of pushing teh ghey agenda, we'll just ban people from the internet or ask Mark Zuckerberg to take them off facebook. Because, you know, facebook is the end-all and be-all of the Internet. I digress.

Where was I again? Oh, the comments.

Wow!! madness!!
i tried to link the half nakedness to the electon thingy but the two do not even correlate. I mean if it was like a sexual related protest or something in that respect, it'll be a tad easier to digest.
these images make us look like babarians around the globe..nothing more, nothing less.

and If my grandma ever dared to participate in such,...let's just say it wouldn't be funny.

I never knew naked protests were for "sexual related" causes only?



Wait, what's this and this?

I'm confused now.

What has this world turned into???
May God save us!!There is nothing that can happen to make people go that far.Don't they have morals.Idiots!

LOLz. Did you know "morals" is the most played card in every argument involving Nigerians? Trust me, I know things. Not like it matters but didn't a similar demonstration occur when Nigeria was a British colony? I guess the world got fucked up a long ass time ago.

Ekiti oh Ekiti
May the Lord help us!
i hope this one never make CNN..

If it did go on CNN, which I doubt, it wouldn't be the first nude protest shown on CNN.



From a more "civilized" country, no doubt.

I guess Mexicans don't count since they gave us the Mexican...*cough*...I mean Swine Flu or N1N1, as I've been told to call it.

This is aexactly what Igbo women did in the 1929 riots and in my women studies classes here in America, they are saluted for it.

Barbarism keh? Do y'all read Playboy? Oyibos bear themselves fully naked for money. Yoruba women are doing this for democracy.

Who then is barbaric? Both, neither, either, none?

It's not like there aren't any Nigerian porn stars. C'mon, Nigerians are nude for a good cause. Our prostitutes that fuck dogs in Europe are definitely a level above porn stars. To hell with you, Jenna.

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Nigerian hoo-ers are just wonderful...

Nigerian hoo-ers are just wonderful...

I read this on deadspin today,

This is something I can't wait to tell my kids, "when Daddy was out of college, he played football in Europe, visited Spain and got attacked by Nigerian prostitutes as he exited a bar at 4am drunk off of CruzCampo." Who thought that the stories of my days playing football in Europe would have so little to do with football and so much to do with European night life.

I left this bar in Spain at closing time, and to be honest it was time for me to go. There's only so many times you can fall off a barstool and still be served. I make my way to in the street and immediately received what the Austrians call "Luft-Schlagen" or "the air slap" Meaning when the cold night air hits delivers an immediate, sobering blow to your rosy cheeks. Imagine my continued surprise, when in the post luft-schlagen moment I was mobbed by no less than seven Nigerian whores.

Should I issue the "my best friend is black" disclaimer on this next part? Probably. But these women were dark. Like Wesley Snipes black. Like the guy from "Blood Diamond" (or was it "Amistad?") black. Next thing I know I am being hounded for sex, each one offering a more competitive price than the next, then sweetening the deal with claims "No AIDS, baby!" and "I don't have The Germ." Next thing I knew I felt hands reaching in my pockets; grabbing, touching, stroking. Then one of these night walkers found the ultimate prize.

No not my penis. My Orbit gum. It should be noted that good gum is impossible to find in Europe. So this package of winter mint was worth its weight in gold, and like piranhas to an injured calf, they were off of me and tearing apart a package of chewing gum.

I laughed all the way home. Then I woke up on the kitchen floor the next day.

Just wonderful...abso-fucking-lutely wonderful.

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Teh Ghey in Nollywood

Teh Ghey in Nollywood

....that is all

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Nigerians and Virginity

Nigerians and Virginity

So I was going to put this post after Sugabelly put hers but being the lazy fuck that I am, I didn't.

Anyway,I was listening to this song called 'tear rubber' on my way to class and it reminded me about this post. This time I’ve decided to whip out my phone and get it out of my system. The song is about this guy that's about to marry this girl but his friend is against the idea.

Why?

Apparently, she is a 'tear rubber' i.e. a virgin. I'm sorry but I don't get the Nigerian fascination with virginity.

I understand why it is a big deal in the Middle East, they are weird and all that shit. Why on earth should it be a big deal Nigerians?

This is just too much for me, don't people understand that virgin sex is like period sex, it's bloody and gross. I can understand some fetishes, I love chicks in sports bras, but blood is just fucking gross.

Brandi can always get it

Now, if you a virgin for personal reasons, like your tuition depends on it, nobody will fuck you, religion or some other crap like diseases, then I’m totally cool with that. But, if you are doing it for anything else then you really need to sort your shit out. This counts double if you are doing it for a future spouse.

Two things,
1. he is probably boinking someone as we type.
2. Any guy that ranks virginity that high isn't worth it anyway. Instead of worrying about shit like your breath, ability to hold a conversation or even your stance on anal, he is bothered about your virginity? Smh @ Negroes nowadays.

As long as you don't come pre-packaged with herpes, AIDS and all that good stuff then you are good to go. Finally, I want to clear something up. I am not telling you to take my word and forever refuse to close your legs. I am telling to rethink your reasons for virginity. If after this re-evaluation, you are still going to hang onto it then good on you, sister. But if otherwise, email me your number because one of my homeboys could do with some action.

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BREAKING NEWS!!!! NIGERIA HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY TEH GHEY!!!

BREAKING NEWS!!!! NIGERIA HAS BEEN ATTACKED BY TEH GHEY!!!

Nigerian gay rights activists have told the country's lawmakers that a new bill to outlaw same sex marriage would lead to widespread human rights abuses

Oh Noez!!!!

The new law would mean prison sentences for gay people who live together, and anyone who "aids and abets" them.

Prison sentence? Woah, somebody's son got butt-raped.

"This bill is not necessary, we see no reason why people should be criminalised," Rashidi Williams, 23, of the Queer Alliance of Nigeria told the committee.

"I did not choose to be gay. It is trial enough to live in this country, we should not create more laws to make us suffer," he said.

[EMPHASIS MINE]

Oh shit, they are organized too.

Under the new law anyone who has "entered into a same gender marriage contract" would be liable to be jailed for three years.

The bill defines a same sex marriage as gay people living together

[EMPHASIS MINE]

What if one ghey dude doesn't find the other attractive? I could live with a bunch of fugly whores and not want to marry them. I just live with them because they cook and clean.

Anyone who "witnesses, abet and aids the solemnization" of a same gender marriage would face five years in prison, or a fine.

Activists say the law does not make sense because anyone who aides and abets people to live together would face a tougher sentence than the couple concerned.

The law would make it easier for the police to arrest suspects, and criminalise anyone working in a human rights organisation that dealt with gay rights, they say

Oh shit! I could be arrested too.

"In the Bible it says homosexuals are criminals," Pius Akubo of the Daughters of Sarah church told lawmakers.

[EMPHASIS MINE]

Really? Daughters of Sarah church? We now have sexist churches? That's a bigger treat than teh ghey. What next? Coddamn women, silently taking over the world. Teh ghey aren't the problem here and QAN knows it. We must unite, motherfuckers. We need to stop this tyranny, this oppression, this ...

You know what? I'm starting Sons of David and we are going to fight this system. It'll be like Terminator and shit.

Children wearing T-shirts that said "Same sex marriage is un-natural and un-African", and "same sex marriage is an abomination" stood in the aisles of the committee room.

Ekaette Ettang, of the Daughters of Sarah church who provided the T-shirts, denied they were inciting hatred against homosexuals.

"We don't hate gay people, but this is the public's opinion and we have the right to speak," she said.

We don't hate gay people but our lovely kids do. Seriously, look at that fucking smile. You don't want to waste that shit. Do you want him to grow up gay? Just imagine how much pussy he could get with that smile. You inconsiderate gay fuckers!!

Activists say gay people in Nigeria face violence from their families and neighbours every day.

Two years ago, a woman went into hiding in the northern Kano State after reports that she had organised a wedding for four women - which she strongly denied.

Also that year 18 men were arrested in the northern city of Bauchi and accused of participating in a "gay wedding".

A Sharia court dismissed the charges and they were charged with the lesser offence of vagrancy.

That's your fault. You went up north and you played that gay shit. You know those sharia negroes don't play that shit. Charged with vagrancy? I bet Mohamed is turning in his grave. Those fuckers got off light. Chop off penises and make kilishi with that shit. Vagrancy? Negroes are getting soft!!!!

-SOURCE

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Parents III

Parents III

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day about spring break, about how we are going to spend all week having animalistic sex. Ok, I lie. But we did talk about spring break and how she had to come up with a legit reason not to go home. Why on earth does she have to go home? Why can’t she just hang out with friends like every college kid does?

Two words: her parents.

If you are not going to be an engineer then I’m not going to pay your school fees. Who is that girl? What are you doing with her? Is that what I sent you here for? You’ll see who will pay your rent, idiot!

My father has had perhaps the best and worst influence on me. I think I’m the asshole I am today because of him. I hated my childhood and I was clinically depressed for most of secondary school. I remember being skinny as hell and he still called me a fatty. He was about 300 lbs and he called me a fatty. He was probably first person I heard curse, I guess that’s where I get my potty mouth from.

You fucking fat ass

I remember how much I always wanted to please him and how I stayed on campus for my freshman spring break. I was the only person in my 60 person dorm and I didn’t own a TV. Sometimes I think back and wonder why i didn’t go to South Padre that year. The motherfucker was in Nigeria, how on earth would he have known?
Ironically, he cut ties with me because I spent thanksgiving with my aunt and he didn’t know. Yeah, you read that right. Sometimes I ask myself if i begged to be born. Like I came from wherever the fuck I was and I was like, “motherfucker, I need to come out now.” R-I-D-U-N-C-U-L-O-U-S!!!

I have a love/hate relationship with my parents: I hate my dad and I love my mum. Yes, that is my definition of love/hate. My kids will probably think I’m the best dad EVAR. It’ll be like:

Kids: Dad, can we go out tonight?
Me: Yea, just don’t bring a fatty in my house. If you want to fuck a fatty, do that in an alley and make sure nobody sees you.

Kids: Dad, can we talk to you about drugs?
Me: Yea, sure. Don’t do crack, heroin, speed, acid or salvia or else I’ll disown you. You can try weed but not until you are 18.

Kids: Dad, we think we’ve found a career path
Me: What is it?
Kids: Basket weaving
Me: What the fuck? Are fucking with me? You better be a fucking engineer or I’ll kick your ass. I want none of that liberal arts hippie bullshit.

Ohcrap!

It’s a vicious cycle.

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Changes

Changes

As you may have noticed, our blog has changed a bit. It’s gone from “Stuff Nigerians Hate” to “Stuff Nigerians Love/Hate”. My publisher decided “Hate” was too restrictive of a word and my publisher is a fucking hippie. Not really…I don’t have a publisher either but I am planning on writing a children’s book if this engineering thing doesn’t pan out. Actually, I’m not planning on doing any of the writing either. I’m leaving that for Loila and Sugabelly since they like writing and kids (I guess).

What was I talking about again?

Oh, changes…yea changes. God I hate that word. Obama pretty much butt fucked the hell out of that word…arghh. I decided to add the “Love” part (well, I consulted Loila too) because I didn’t like the singular direction that this blog was taking. Also, the change was made to accommodate some contributors. They happen to be in a very happy place right now and would love to write about rainbows and pink fucking bunnies.

Well, that’s about it. Regular posting should resume once we get a hang of school and decide on what classes we want to fail.

Before I forget, I would like to change my stance on the whole Nigerians and sex thing. Someone sent me to some gossip rag about Nigerians in England. After going through most of the posts (as difficult as it was), I realized Nigerians are not as uppity as I thought. It’s just the ones in my 30 mile radius.

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Rant No.4 - Teh Ghey Agenda

Rant No.4 - Teh Ghey Agenda

Nigerians are homophobic but there are some of us that think know better and aren’t. But those guys are full of shit and they are no fun anyway. Girls with gay best friends are as bad as girls with fat best friends. You whores know you become instantly hotter when you hang out with such unless the guy in question has a weird fat fetish. Which is totally acceptable…like really…big girls need love too…ok, I’ll shut up now because my foot is way down my throat that it might just induce barf.

My aunt thinks there’s a gay conspiracy in Hollywood and the sudden inclusion of gay people on TV is part of the supreme plan to draw all hetero people to the ghey side. I love my aunt to death and I wish she was my mother but that has to be the most ludicrous claim I’ve heard since I claimed that Osama Bin Laden attacked America because America was approaching Sodom and Gomorrah levels. Yes, I have my own history of blatant homophobia.



I don’t blame Nigerians for being homophobic. There aren’t that many gay people in Nigeria so it is easy to be taken aback by two dudes making out. Note I said “dudes” because with girls it’s completely different. Two girls making out with in public could either be
1. Attention seeking whores or
2. Drunk attention seeking whores.


But not lesbians because lesbians don’t play that shit. And real lesbians aren’t that hot anyway.


Nigerians and the ghey community are just like Anglo Americans and their Negro counterparts. It might look like they get along but they inherently dislike each other. But I voted for Obama and my best friend is black so I can’t be racist. Well, I know a gay guy and we were on the same beer pong team. He even smacked my ass when we won…no homo.

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Rant No.3 - Sex **Nosa's Take**

Rant No.3 - Sex **Nosa's Take**

DISCLAIMER: THIS POST MIGHT MAKE UNWARRANTED GENERALIZATIONS



I don’t think Sugabelly did this topic too much justice so I feel I ought to drop my $0.02, which is the most I’m dropping until I get paid on Friday.

I want to make something very clear: NIGERIANS DO NOT HATE SEX. If there’s anything our HIV/AIDS rate tells me, it’s that we love the fuck out of sex.

Then, what is the problem with Nigerians and sex?

Nigerians are generally uptight as fuck and we have our heads way up our assholes. That’s the only logical way I can explain why my mum sent me check on the stew because I demanded to know where babies came from.

Do you know when I got the sex talk? Use protection? Dad, you should have told me that way before prom. I might have AIDS or herpes (I joke…I joke… Don’t take me off your BILF –Bloggers I’d like to fuck – list).

I don’t think this should be restricted to sex. Look at PDA (Public Displays of Affection), I think you got detention for this in high school. Boys and girls couldn’t even sit together at movie time.

I don’t even feel safe making “that’s what she said” jokes with Nigerians.
Naija Girl: …but, I came early.
Me: Haha, that’s what she said…it’s funny because it’s true.
Naija Girl: You are just gross. Abeg get your mind out of the gutter.
My mind is in the gutter? Then how on earth did you know what I meant if it was only my mind the gutter, you fucking self righteous whore!

Uptight and conservative? Jenna Bush would like to disagree.

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Rant No. 2 - Tipping

Rant No. 2 - Tipping

Before I start, I want everyone who claims to have tipped in Nigeria to get their fake, pompous, elitist, classier-than-thou shit out of here. Kindly click on the red “X” on the top left corner of your Internet Explorer, because I know that’s what you pompous philistines use.

Tipping sucks and I don’t know a single Nigerian that tips without batting an eyelid. I feel like I lose a piece of me whenever I tip. From the $2ish at iHop to the $10ish at P.F. Chang’s, it all sucks donkey balls. The closest thing I came to tipping was telling the Mr. Biggs cashier to keep the five naira change because it was too dirty.

I remember freshman year, I had no debit card so I carried about a thousand in hundreds in my wallet (I don’t trust banks if you were wondering). I was with a couple of friends at some dingy ass motherfucking Mexican restaurant. The service was shit, like really fucking crappy. I only got refilled like once for the whole meal. The check comes, and I drop my hundred on the table.

Waitress: Do you want any change?
Me: Well…yes…all $80 of it (meal was $20 – it was freshman year so I ordered food like a moron)
Waitress: Ok

So she brings the change back to the table and I sent it straight to my wallet.

No qualms, right?

What followed was just plain fucking ridiculous.

Friend A: Dude, aren’t you tipping?
Friend B: Yea dude. Don’t they tip in Nigeria?

*Note: The waitress was at the next table taking an order so she heard this conversation*

Me: No
Friend B: why?
Me: The service was shitty. I’ll only tip for good service.

I’m desperately trying to cover my crudeness with a fairly decent excuse but my friends are fucking assholes so they won’t let it go

Friend B: What is shitty service?
Friend A: Do you know how badly they get paid?

At this point every other person in our groups is attacking me. It was like the adulterer in the bible with a twist: all my self-righteous friends decide they are without sin so they decide to cast stones. As you can see, I couldn’t muster a response. These bastards weren’t letting up so I was metaphorically curled in fetal position ala Rex Grossman.
I honestly don’t see why I have to tip. If there is a problem with pay then they should take it to management not my wallet.

In case you were wondering, I’ve been tipping ever since but I’ve developed a special set of rules.

• Hot female waitress = 5% of purchase + phone number
• Troll looking waitress = No tip
• Nice waiter/waitress = 4% of purchase + gay friend’s number
• Douche waiter/waitress = No tip + gay friend’s number

Seems to be working for me but no calls yet. Maybe I should up that to 10%.

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