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America: A Love/Hate Relationship?


Nigeria is a funny country. We seem to be very good at being bipolar. As a girl now in her twenties, I hear a lot more often talk of marriage and homemaking. I always marvel at the oldies saying, "Oh don't worry, you can marry whoever you want," and then, in the same breath, "but don't you dare bring home a boy/girl from that tribe/village." I could launch into a whole other post on this issue, but I'd rather focus on my original topic. the great US of A.

When talking about America, Nigerians suddenly develop bipolar disorder. We love to laud their technological advances, their election of Barack Obama, their working infrastructure, and their great schools. But then, we look down on their more casual dress sense, the way they talk, their apparent lack of morals, and, most especially, we hate anything that can be termed "African American."

For example, parents are proud, and tell everyone that their daughter is studying in the US. But then, when a Nigerian in the US relationship problems, they ask if the boyfriend/girlfriend is American, and then assume knowing looks when the answer's yes, as if to say, "You see? They should have found a Nigerian person to date." It gets worse, though, especially if you decide to start to act like a "black person". Once that happens, you're done for. You're the black sheep who's forgotten what your mother taught you, and you need serious prayers. I can just imagine my parents' reaction if I ever return home with dreadlocks...

More examples: We welcome Clinton and Bush into our land, yet we refuse to allow them to build their military base there. We embrace their music, movies, art and architecture, neglecting the art forms that are Nigerian in origin, from before colonial times; and yet, we deride those who decide to become musicians or dancers - we consider them people without real jobs who are just wasting their time. I think what disturbs me the most about this whole thing is the fact that we strive to maintain some aspects of our culture (traditional values, language), and throw away all the others (dance forms, architecture, etc). Anything - or rather, most things, that are American are good, and anything that's inherently African is bad (another topic that I can write a whole other post on). Does that make sense to anyone? I don't mean are there reasons for this phenomenon: I mean, is this the way Africans should think? I'd like to think not.

See, this is why people who work in global health are concerned about mental health in developing countries. Nigerians is crazy, yo. LOL.

I'd like to ask Sugabelly if she could write about the phenomenon of hating things that are inherently African, and anyone else if they could write on inter-tribal love/hate in Nigeria. Can we talk about these issues, please?
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Changes

As you may have noticed, our blog has changed a bit. It’s gone from “Stuff Nigerians Hate” to “Stuff Nigerians Love/Hate”. My publisher decided “Hate” was too restrictive of a word and my publisher is a fucking hippie. Not really…I don’t have a publisher either but I am planning on writing a children’s book if this engineering thing doesn’t pan out. Actually, I’m not planning on doing any of the writing either. I’m leaving that for Loila and Sugabelly since they like writing and kids (I guess).

What was I talking about again?

Oh, changes…yea changes. God I hate that word. Obama pretty much butt fucked the hell out of that word…arghh. I decided to add the “Love” part (well, I consulted Loila too) because I didn’t like the singular direction that this blog was taking. Also, the change was made to accommodate some contributors. They happen to be in a very happy place right now and would love to write about rainbows and pink fucking bunnies.

Well, that’s about it. Regular posting should resume once we get a hang of school and decide on what classes we want to fail.

Before I forget, I would like to change my stance on the whole Nigerians and sex thing. Someone sent me to some gossip rag about Nigerians in England. After going through most of the posts (as difficult as it was), I realized Nigerians are not as uppity as I thought. It’s just the ones in my 30 mile radius.
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Rant No.7 - Aunty X and Uncle Y

Every Nigerian has one: the Uncle that is only called to family meetings in order to be chastised; the Aunty a few years older than you that always seems to be in trouble; the words your most often hear them described by are deviant, wayward, and... gasp!... Black Sheep! Occasionally you might hear 'deliverance' in reference to them. They are often the youngest child of your grandparents on whichever side, or a distant cousin from the village.

Whenever they visit, there's always a story but they're nice to you, they're cool, they live life with aplomb and you watch them live it helplessly because you're caught between your fear of your family and your desire to join them on the dark side because, disapproving family reputation or not, you are undeniably attracted to the sheen of their rebellion.

On the other hand, they might be the completely wrong sort. They steal, they're rude, they're uneducated, half the time they're shagging the housemaid or the cook, and worst of all they smell. They wear your clothes, your jewelry, use your stuff and always seem to be asking you for money, even though they're way older than you. In extreme cases, they're forty-five and still won't move out. In your desperation you become the perfect child and study as hard as you possibly can so you can get into the best school as far away as possible to escape the possibility of ever even remotely imagining them again.

All Nigerians have a special love-hate relationship with these two. Most people have one or the other, but if you've been lucky or unfortunate enough to have both, then more power to you and I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall of your house.
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Rant No.6 - Dating

I see that the title of our beloved blog has been changed to Stuff Nigerians Love/Hate. I am sure that sorts out the whole Nigerians are not haters thing. We are both haters and lovers. One example of the love-hate(ness) of Nigerians is dating also known as "courtship." Definition (my definition): The period between being single and getting married. Dating is a complex thing in Nigeria.

As this blog is prone (no apologies we cannot help it as we speak from our own experiences) to mild to severe generalizations, Nigerians are weary of the whole dating scene. Nigerian parents have a way of trying to prevent their children from being a part of the dating world yet they claim to want grandchildren before they are their graves. Understandably, they do not want their kids gallivanting around having unprotected sex and making illegitimate children. In essence they do not want them making the mistakes they or members of their "extended" family made. Which is understandable but in the defense of the adolescents such as myself, if dating is incorporated willing, then kids will keep on bed hopping and where would we be?

Correct me if I am wrong (I am sure you will) I believe that dating done right is good dating. So when parents say you cannot date until you are 18 or 21 or some ridiculous age tell them there are 12 year olds making babies. The human body becomes aware of the desires for the opposite sex way before 18 or 21. Not letting kids date or becoming acquainted with the opposite sex in the right environment may not be the best thing after all.
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Rant No.5 - Holiday Likes and Hates

So obviously you've noticed that we haven't posted in a while. This is because, we are Nigerians. And we study for our finals like good children, because our parents would not accept us back at home otherwise. And then comes the holiday season, when we typically go home, see family and friends, eat good food and neglect everything else. So, very briefly, to usher in 2009, I offer a few Holiday Likes and Hates.

Nigerians like coming home for Christmas...
... but hate having to wait 3 hours for their luggage at MMA (Murtala Mohammed Airport), and then fending off rabid money changers asking if you have "dollars" on their way to the car.

Nigerians like eating Christmas food...
... but hate having to haggle for half an hour with food sellers who charge "Christmas price" (rather, ridiculously inflated price) for a malnourished turkey.
... Nigerians also hate people who refuse to pay the "Christmas price" - they think they're stingy.

Nigerians love ushering the New Year with fireworks and bangers...
... but hate having to run to avoid getting hit by fireworks and bangers.

... Sorry, can't think of anything else. Too much jollof rice and chicken... lol. Feel free to add your own holiday likes/hates.
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Special Hate of the Day: Sosoliso Airlines


They cut corners to maximise profits in an industry as delicately dangerous as aviation. They gambled on an old damaged plane and murdered 60 Nigerian children in the process.

Seriously, need we say more?
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Rant No.4 - Teh Ghey Agenda



Nigerians are homophobic but there are some of us that think know better and aren’t. But those guys are full of shit and they are no fun anyway. Girls with gay best friends are as bad as girls with fat best friends. You whores know you become instantly hotter when you hang out with such unless the guy in question has a weird fat fetish. Which is totally acceptable…like really…big girls need love too…ok, I’ll shut up now because my foot is way down my throat that it might just induce barf.

My aunt thinks there’s a gay conspiracy in Hollywood and the sudden inclusion of gay people on TV is part of the supreme plan to draw all hetero people to the ghey side. I love my aunt to death and I wish she was my mother but that has to be the most ludicrous claim I’ve heard since I claimed that Osama Bin Laden attacked America because America was approaching Sodom and Gomorrah levels. Yes, I have my own history of blatant homophobia.



I don’t blame Nigerians for being homophobic. There aren’t that many gay people in Nigeria so it is easy to be taken aback by two dudes making out. Note I said “dudes” because with girls it’s completely different. Two girls making out with in public could either be
1. Attention seeking whores or
2. Drunk attention seeking whores.


But not lesbians because lesbians don’t play that shit. And real lesbians aren’t that hot anyway.


Nigerians and the ghey community are just like Anglo Americans and their Negro counterparts. It might look like they get along but they inherently dislike each other. But I voted for Obama and my best friend is black so I can’t be racist. Well, I know a gay guy and we were on the same beer pong team. He even smacked my ass when we won…no homo.

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